Tools with dull edges are a drag- hard to use, exhausting, and pretty much useless. Additionally, they can be really dangerous. I think God heard my multiple unspoken prayer requests prior to our Omaha move in 2013. I think He knew there were some issues in me that I myself didn’t recognize. After all… I was still the same tool, right?
I didn’t understand the exhaustion of my working peers who attended church. Now, having been in the most stressful of jobs, I think, (I know there are a TON of stressful jobs. I don’t mean to say mine is MORE, like a bad bragging contest… I just mean, ‘wow- my job has been fairly tough’…), and it has enabled me to understand more. What do I understand?
I NEED worship. Like plants need rain. I need to contemplate God in all His bigness. And do it often. Knowing Him and His sufficiency in all ways, this keeps my hope alive. I NEED affirmation. I had no idea. I just didn’t know. I am recognizing how significant it is to let someone know ‘hey, you are doing a great job in….’. I NEED self-examination. I did not know my relationship with God needed remodeling. I thought we were doing fine. What I discovered is that under duress, I have a profound relationship with food and self-comfort, rather than a healthy way to dig deeper into Him. I’d LOVE to say I’m over this, but no, this is big and God and I are in discussion. I NEED believers… the real ones that talk about God and where He intersects their lives, frustrations and battles, the ones who I can laugh and cry with in total honesty. And….
I am learning that God is like breathing. He isn’t compelled because my prayers are accompanied by wailing, whining, or stomach ache intensity. He is God, afterall, not some despot in need of me being more desperate. My prayers are better spent really thanking Him for where He has been amazing, and maybe audibly watching to see His next moves where I am unsure He has been amazing.
I think the past 3 years have been instructive. I was not sure how God was moving around in peoples lives, but I am observing things now. My ‘tooling’ has been sharpened. I have NO idea what later today or the next 10 years hold, in my life, but I know I will push deeper into God in so many ways for His faithfulness not just in my life but the lives of my family and friends and neighbors and even those I have to fight hard to like, let alone love. (I had no idea how big my unforgiveness capacity was. This is another thing…<sigh>… and an old one.)
This isn’t my best writing. It’s simple a bookmark left on the page of the story being written by my choices and God’s sovereignty.